Previously on On the Card: A tag match and a Bulldog match.
Cut to a promo of some ginger kid watching WWF with aliens. Mind Games is coming up next, I suppose.
Goldust comes out and Vince says he is the “most bizarre individual in the World Wrestling Federation history”. Golden dust falls from the sky and we get the old letterbox intro for the man himself. Marlena is there too. JR wonders if Mero’s high flying style will work in this match. Mr. Perfect muses that that style will get you in trouble.
Cut to Todd Pettengill interviewing Marc Mero. I say this with all sincerity: I love Todd Pettengill. I’ve seen the man interview, I’ve seen him interview and he was much too nice for the Attitude Era. There’s a great interview of him by James Delow of Gorilla Position here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fG5IoZZTMTA
Todd makes a pun of “All that glitters is definitely… GOLDUST!” and shows Mankind chasing Sable and calling her “mommy”. Sable, the useless fuck just stays there. Wildman Marc Mero’s eyebrows go bananas while he tells people to “put up or shut up”. Mero’s music hits and Sable is over but Mero… not so much. It’s sad that the crowd love her so much. Goldust crawling about the ring as Mero just swings about. Mr. Perfect tries to get himself over because he’s mad. Goldust sits on the bottom turnbuckle and the bell rings.
Goldust w/ Marlena def. Wildman Marc Mero w/ Sable via pinfall in 11:01.
Mero is walking about the ring for a bit and the two square off. Goldust’s bum is once again eating his suit and his balls are right there. Goldust slaps Mero in the corner and then uses Irish referee Tim White as a shield. You don’t fuck with Tim. Running the ropes followed by arm drags and Goldust recoils in horror, hugging the bottom ropes like a headcase. Some timewasting as Goldie beats on Mero followed by a pin attempt and a weak drop toe hold. Goldust kid in the audience is having a field day at this.
The match is so boring that the announcers talk about Ahmed Johnson. You know it’s a weak night when he’s the better alternative. Goldust gets an Irish whip, slides to the ground and gives Mero a punch. The Wildman pushes Irish referee Time White out of the way to run at Goldust, who tosses him to the outside. Mero goes back in and is thrown out again, dropped throat first on the barricade as Irish Referee Tim White shows he can count.
Something exciting is happening outside again as the crowd are on their feet. Who is it? Who is coming?
GOOD LORD IT IS MANKIND.
Slick Mick has come out of the boiler room to harass Sable, who is incapable of moving at any speed. Like a heroine in a crappy horror movie, she moves away just enough to create tension. Some officials come to corral him. There are a bunch of cattle rustlers in the back, just use them! I’d bet you the Gunns would be happy to lasso him and hogtie him. Shit, you could probably get the Godwinns to steal him afterwards!
Chinlock city and Sable, now relaxed after her Mankind fright, is still unable to keep time, playing in 5/16. Goldust slaps the Christ out of Marc Mero who is Irish whipped into the turnbuckle and retaliates with… a butt shot? Low blow on Goldust’s low hanging fruit and Mero executes an awesome back body drop followed by a big knee to the perverted Hollywood critic. Wildman goes for the 10 punch, gets to six and Goldust tips him outside. Mero is up quick as a flash and jumps over the ropes, rolls Goldust in and does a nice wee slingshot leg drop over the top rope. Mero goes for the shooting star press and would get the three count but old Marlena is causing trouble on the other side of the ring. Surely they should revoke her licence. Vince says that he has never seen anything like a shooting star press which is shite because he saw one last time. Mero does it every fucking match.
Goldust kicks Mero and the Wildman does not sell it. Goldust hits a fucking great Curtain Call and gets the pin in 11:01.
Goldust is great but this was not a good match. It was an entertaining two-minute squash stretched out over ten minutes. No memorable spots and Mero fucked up a fair bit, no selling and just moving from spot to spot.
Oh Mero, how the mighty have fallen! At least Goldust didn’t feel you up like he normally does.
Sable pops into the ring to comfort her husband. Goldust is still reeling from the attack on his nuts. He circles the Meros, shakes his bodonkadonk and crawls after Sable with his big black tongue. He goes to kiss Sable and Mero is up, punching and beating on Goldust before tossing him onto the top rope. Mero goes mental and Goldust crawls away. Sable cries. Fuck sake, Sable, man up.
Promo of Ahmed Johnson mumbling his way through a promo about pain. We see the attack by Faarooq (known as Faarooq Asaad) which caused the alleged kidney issues. In truth, Johnson had legit kidney troubles, but I cannot find if these were caused by the attack or whether it is just a nice coincidence. We see the man getting stitched up by some pretty beautiful young ladies. We also see that Ahmed Johnson had to have the title vacated as he could not compete. The man is pretty annoyed and claims that the belt is (erroneously) called “the WWF Intercontinental People’s Title” and then he gibbers on about something while Kevin Kelly looks on wondering “what the fuck”. Wee interview with Pam Taylor, Ahmed’s nurse, who claims that the injury is still bleeding and if they are unable to stop it, then they will have to remove the kidney.
What the fuck, America. Y’all lettin’ Ahmed walk around with a bleedin’ kidney? No wonder the boy can’t talk right.
Pam adds that without a kidney, Ahmed will never be able to wrestle, which is nonsense. I present to you exhibit A: Mick Foley, a man who has no internal organs at all other than a stomach filled with butter and the rest of his testicles, crammed in the space where once his non-ruptured vital parts were. Ahmed Johnson ignores that shit, though, and says that he will do what he wants to do. There is going to be a SUDDEN DEATH BATTLE ROYALE featuring Stone Cold, Savio Vega, Sycho Sid and Gooooldust. “Ahmed Johnson will be watching at home that night, watching another man win his title.” Wow, way to rub it in.
Out comes Sunny and Faarooq-
Wait what the fuck.
Why is Sunny here? Wasn’t she last seen with those damn Gunns?
Faarooq’s song is the same song that old movies set in Greece open to, which makes sense because our boy Ron Simmons is dressed like a god damn warrior. Faarooq gives off about the fact that he doesn’t have the Intercontinental championship because he beat down Ahmed. Ron Simmons could have cut a fantastic promo here if they’d made Todd look a bit more terrified of him and Faarooq didn’t sound like a spoiled child who hasn’t gotten his way. Sunny is great, hanging onto Todd and just being malicious. Sunny calls Faarooq a “modern day gladiator”. Sunny does a damn better job than Faarooq and looks the bee’s knees as well. What a wonderful woman.
Vince introduces a promo about old Jake the Snake talking about his alcoholism. It’s set to a background of jangly guitars, which clashes with Jake talking about his suicidal thoughts. Jerry lightens the mood by being an unrelenting cunt about things and cracking wise. In terms of dealing with addiction, the Fed have a serious topic here that they could do a lot with and they reduce it to Jerry making Jake look like a fool when the man should be lionised for his strength. Jake beats Jerry whilst wearing a flowery shirt. Jerry pours booze on Jake’s face.
Old Howard Finkel introduces the newest signee to the WWF, fresh off the 1996 Summer Ol-
HOLY FUCK LOOK IT’S MOTHERFUCKING BOWL CUT KID AND VLADIMIR
Where was I? Oh yeah, Mark Henry comes out, all in white. Vince couldn’t give a fuck despite the fact that it is his signee! They don’t even bother to explain how someone like Mark Henry, being a powerlifer could possibly be a good wrestler. Mr. Perfect gives him grief and Henry, not really knowing what the craic is, just shakes his hand anyways. The King comes to the ring, being a cunt as usual, with his bag of tricks (booze) and removes his jacket to show he’s wearing a Baltimore Ravens jersey! In Cleveland! Apparently this is bad and the crowd are not happy about it, not one bit. He is getting such cheap heat! My God, the heat.
Jerry then takes out Jake Roberts’ new tag team partners: Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, JAKE THE SNAKE ROBERTS IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND IS CURRENTLY IN TREATMENT AND IS RECOVERING. THIS MEANS IT IS FUNNY.
Jerry says that Jake’s wife is really ugly, but nothing that a light switch and a six pack won’t cure.
Jerry then rips on Mark Henry about the fact that he was at the Olympics and had no medals due to injury. He then makes some joke about having gold metals bronzed. The audience rips on King for being a Burger King, which he takes well. He does, however, make a cracking joke about how Jake has barthritis – that’s where you’re stiff in a different joint each night. That’s actually very funny. No caps lock needed.
Jake’s music hits and he gets a lukewarm reception. Vince bigs him up as much as he can and we are treated to another shot of Bowl Cut Kid and Vlad. Great stuff. Jake storms down to the ring and jumps in, eager for a fight. Hard as fuck Referee Harvey Wippleman holds the guys apart despite standing a good foot shorter than our man Roberts. Jerry has another present, a bag of his own with something inside… a magnum of booze. Hilarious. The whole time, Mark Henry is completely ignoring the action in the ring and saying, “I do not like snakes. But I like Jake Roberts.”
Roberts takes out old Revelations and Henry goes mental on the mic. It’s very funny. Jake accidentally stands on his snake as he’s wrapping him around Jerry’s neck. The snake goes for a wee stroll around the ring and Jake lifts him up, popping him in the bag. The bell rings and it’s time for the match, finally.
Jerry “The King” Lawler def. Jake “The Snake” Roberts via pinfall in 4:07.
Jake is going mental in the ring and Jerry refuses to enter, which is fair enough, because there is a huge snake in there. Jerry tries to offer Jake booze but the mic won’t work to tell him so. Jake runs around, bops Jerry’s head off the steel steps and goes to town with him in the middle of the ring. He then kicks Jerry in the nuts but is not disqualified. What? The pair crawl to the outside and Jake still hasn’t taken off his full entrance attire. Bowl cut kid is in the background there, chatting away. Jake gets himself tied up on the ropes and Jerry goes to grab a bottle of booze to feed it to him. DDT countered into a suplex and Jake takes over again.
The crowd start chanting for a DDT and the King grabs Harvey. In his confusion, Jerry gets the bottle, cracks Jake in the throat with it and pulls the tights for the pinfall in 4:07.
How the mighty have fallen.
I now realise why Jerry doesn’t wrestle anymore.
After that drizzling shit of a match, lightning strikes the ring, all the forces of Hell appear and drag Jerry “The King” Lawler to his eternal torment in the underworld.
The two men roll in the ring for a while as if they’ve just performed an hour-long match. Jerry cuts a promo on how Jake’s sore throat can be cured by a good old drink of booooooze. Jerry splashes it on Jake’s face before getting more booze and-
SWEET JESUS MARK HENRY ENTERS THE FRAY.
The World’s Strongest Man holds Jerry’s hand (bottle and all) away from Jake’s mouth. What a hero. Either a fan or a member of security takes the booze that Jerry dropped and sneaks it away. Toothless fan in the crowd jeers at the King as he walks past. JR snips that: “That was not an athletic contest that we witnessed. That was a humiliation,” which explains away The King’s entire career at this point. Jake is really selling the booze angle, retching by the side, trying to rid his body of the wicked demon drink. Mark Henry carries him down the aisle and then we cut to Bob Backlund, who is campaigning, apparently, in the crowd. Good man yourself, Bob. Grassroots and all that shite.
On the Card will return on September 8th with the fourth part of SummerSlam 1996.