Previously on On the Card: Great Chavo vs. Rey fight and regrettable Big Show vs. Sabu match…
Cut to JR and The King as they have to big up the bloody Diva’s Search, We do see Layla, though, who is one of the best Divas of the modern era, though we haven’t seen her in a while. She is then bullied by the Divas locker room. Funny that they’re showing this despite the fact that there is no women’s match this evening. They initiate her by showering her in cold water with her arse out. Awful.
I know I give off about the sexploitation of the women in wrestling, especially at around this time, but every now and again something will happen and I will place my head in my hands and wonder why to Christ it was still happening. Garbage.
Promo for the Hogan vs. Orton match, showing Hulkamania runnin’ wiiiild, brother. JR questions if Hogan is the Babe Ruth or Michael Jordan of wrasslin’, which is about right as Jordan wore a Hitler moustache just as Hogan was a racist. We see Randy flirting with Brooke Hogan and then giving her old man an RKO as she looks on gormlessly. Amazingly, Hulk actually sells it. We see Randy “killing” legends, which just involved him bullying and beating up old wrestlers. It’s easy to RKO Mae Young or Moolah, though the latter will sell you into some kind of sex ring if you’re not careful.
The entire promo builds up to the point that Randy has a history of successfully “killing” legends by beating them either in ring or in a parking lot or whatever and Hulk says that he will never be one of those legends. Fair enough, seems like a good build up to a match… if we didn’t have twenty-plus years of Hulk Hogan in the Fed to know that the fucker is an absolute cunt and doesn’t care what he does as long as he goes over in the end. So we know that Hulk is going to win. We know that already, brrrrrrother.
Randy’s brilliant “Burn in my Light” song hits and the lad comes down. Six-five, two hunnerd an’ fiddy pounds of destruction. Twenty-six years old at the time and smug as shit. Debuted three weeks before his twenty-sixth birthday. He hits his pose and golden showers fall from behind him as Lilian Garcia introduces him. Randy stands mid-ring, bouncing as Hulk’s “Real American” theme plays. He gets a huge pop, which is interesting.
Hulk comes down to the ring. Six-eight, three hunnerd an’ twenny-two pounds of cunt. Fifty-three at the time, debuted three years before Orton’s birth and won his first championship on January 23, 1984 in Madison Square Garden from the Iron Sheik, who was made humble. A lot of people like Hogan. I never did. I found him boring and bland as well. And he’s a racist. I hated him before that, of course, I hated that he never sold and always went over even if he should not have. And he ruined perfectly good t-shirts. Prick.
This intro is too long. Go and hit him, Randy. Go on. Smack him in the face.
Hulk doesn’t remove his bandana to reveal his mental hairline.
Hulk Hogan def. Randy Orton via pin in 10:56.
Bell rings and both men circle the ring. Hogan looks like he doesn’t want to be there, and knowing Hogan, he probably doesn’t. It was about this time that he had the infamous video about him being racist. Cocky.
Hogan and Orton lock up and Randy is flung across the ring. They lock up again and get into a headlock. Hogan gets to his feet, pushes Orton away and Hogan’s bandana falls off. He slaps his arse in reply. Another headlock. I haven’t said this in a while: headlock city. It’s headlock city! In the Ruthless Aggression Era!
Orton takes over and walks Hogan about the ring with a barrage of punches. Hogan is on his back on the apron and Randy doesn’t stop. Hogan is taking his time and Randy roars, “Get up!” pulls on Hogan’s hair and goes to smash his head into the turnbuckle but Hogan reverses. Of course he does. Hogan goes for the ten-punch, gets nine plus a bite. He then rakes Orton’s eyes twice. Come on, Hogan. That’s against the rules, you gooch.
Hulk beats on Orton on the ropes. JR calls Brooke Hogan “A rising singing star,” that “Randy has… feelings for,” but then says that wouldn’t be a good word to use. Hogan rakes Orton’s back and chest for a while. Like a cat. Hulk Hocat? I know I can do better than that. Hogan is dragged out by Orton and his knee is worked on, the one that has been replaced, apparently. Randy goes to the top rope, goes for a cross-body-nothing and Hogan dodges. In the corner, Hulk gets to his feet and punches on Randy, goes for the big boot, gets the dropkick in reply and slithers about for the RKO, rolling like a cat. Hulk refuses to turn around and finally when he does, Randy hits him with the worst sold RKO of all time and the pin in-
Oh. Hogan’s foot was on the bottom rope. Lilian even makes an announcement telling us so. Hulk Hulks out, gets some punches in, big boot, leg drop and the pin in 10:56.
I am loathe to mention anything positive about Hulk Hogan because I hate the cunt and his racist, self-concerned ass has no place in modern wrestling. However, I can appreciate the fact that without him, there would be no wrestling. The match was okay. Randy and Hulk told a story and it wasn’t old-school wrestling for the most part. Randy did a great job of selling all of Hulk’s awful moves, but, of course, Hulk goes over.
This Randy Orton fellow is great, treating Hogan like a real person now and again.
Hogan celebrates for ages, genuinely about five minutes, slaps a fan on the back who has a Hogan tattoo and leaves, finally.
It’s actually raining outside in Boston, but inside, Mick Foley is staring middle distance before getting a hug from Melina as he reveals that he has seen a different side of Ric Flair. Melina is asking Mick to reconsider his match this evening. He tells her that she’s wrong and she secretly likes it.
Straight-up Shoot Fact: As mentioned in the Vengeance 2006 entry to this series, Ric and Mick have had some trouble in the ring, outside of it and on the pages of their respective books. Ric called Mick a “glorified stuntman” and Mick did not respond. He later expressed that he respected Ric but was upset to be thought of that way. Trrrrrrriple H, a man who respects and works closely with Mick, even took Ric’s side as Ric was HHH’s mentor. This entire feud is bullshit because neither men are willing to keep it kayfabe and you can see that there is some genuine resentment there.
In the ring, Lilian is explaining the rules of an I Quit match. Match goes on until one of the competitors says, “I quit” into a microphone. There is no DQ.
Mick’s music hits and the flannel-wearing legend comes out… after about thirty seconds. Forty-one at the time of filming, six-two, two hunnerd an’ seventy or so (his weight fluctuated severely around this time due to his semi-retirement and inability to do a lot of locomotion). He carries a trashcan. JR wonders if either Foley or Flair will physically be able to say, “I quit,” considering the platform upon which they would be doing it.
Flair’s music hits and out he comes. Fifty-seven, six-one and two-forty-two pounds of wickedness. JR references the troubles that Mick and Ric had in WCW (Ric was booker and did not like Mick because he thought he was a garbage wrestler and did not book him well, once telling him, “You’re going to be in a wheelchair by the time you’re thirty and no one will care.”). Mick punches Ric and the match begins prematurely.
“I Quit” Match: Ric Flair def. Mick Foley via quitting in 13:14.
Mick pounds away in the corner with his forearms, runs into his head with a running knee, wastes no time in bringing over the trashcan to crash his head. He hits the “Bang bang!” pose, pulls out Mr. Socko and applies it for about three seconds. He is instantly on the mic, walking over to Flair to give him the chance to quit, but no dice. Foley wraps some barbed wire around his fist and is about to give Flair a shot when the Nature Boy grabs him by the balls! Oh so painful! In the confusion, Foley falls and Flair removes the barbed wire and Socko, putting them on himself and striding towards Foley with murder in his eyes.
A Flair barbed wire shot to the chest, followed by three more and Foley is out of the ring, Flair following him and tossing him into the steel steps. The pair roll about the place for a while and Foley takes the time to get out the barbed wire board last seen on ECW One Night Stand. Flair takes the chance to blade and the two men are back in the ring, bleeding everywhere. Foley rubs the wire in Flair’s face, throws the board at him, jumps on him with it, the whole nine yards. Foley brings the mic over but Flair only says, “Kiss my ass!” so Foley busts him with the mic.
Thumbtacks! Foley gets thumbtacks out, the wicked son of a bitch! Jerry states that this type of wrestling is not his style and Foley instantly body slams Flair onto the thumbtacks. There is little build up. Foley takes out Barbie, the barbed-wire baseball bat and JR says, “Damn the barbed wire!” Flair fights back through the barbed wire attack and low blows Mick before throwing him into the corner, getting Barbie and beating on Mick. Foley has a great bump where he just falls with a huge slam. Flair gives Mick the mic, but no magic words yet. Another low blow followed by a Barbie shot with Foley on the apron and Mick goes flying off the apron, damn near killing himself. Paramedics are called and Melina rungs down.
The paramedics tell the ref that Mick is done and the ref calls for the bell. Flair gets the mic, angry, and jumps out, lifting Foley back in, rolling him through the thumbtacks. Christ of almighty. More Barbie attacks and Flair is on the mic again. Foley screaming in pain. Flair wonders aloud if Mick has had enough and Melina throws in the towel, shouting, “He quits!” calling for a second bell. She kneels beside him, making sure that her arse his showing. Flair denies her attempt to save Mick, gets Barbie, rolls through the pins and just as Flair is about to bust one or both of them with Barbie, Mick gets on the mic and quits in 13:14.
Just like the Big Show/Sabu match earlier, this is garbage wrestling of the highest order. Spot after spot after spot and although I enjoyed this match far more than the Extreme Rules match, I put that down to the competitors as opposed to the actual match. I didn’t feel that there was a great story here and the whole Melina-quitting-for-Mick-who-takes-one-for-the-team-to-save-her spot could have been better executed.
Mick Foley was in it. Match of the year.
Flair is pushed away by the ref and his hands raised. JR raises concerns over the fact that Flair would ever strike a woman and the Nature Boy rolls out of the ring with Barbie, bleeding from every part of his body. JR says, “These men were wrestling to eradicate!” and Jerry, rightly, replies with, “This wasn’t wrestling, JR.” And it wasn’t. Nice close-up of our man Mick, bust open. Fair play, Mick. He pulls himself to his feet with difficulty.
On the Card will return on September 3 with the third part of SummerSlam 2006.