Previously on On the Card: We had a great tag match. Let’s hope this level of quality continues…
Cut to Khali and Daivari as the big man garbles in some attempt at language, his manager translates for the audience. Apparently Khali wants to call the Undertaker out now, before their match together. Khali then lifts Daivari up and the feed cuts to SmackDown General Manager Teddy Long coming out. He walks like a robot and wears his father’s suit. He tells the audience that he has some bad news. He tells the audience that Bobby Lashley has “elevated enzymes in his liver” and cannot compete.
As the crowd boos, out comes Lashley to a pop. He is dressed to compete and Cunt JBL says that Bobby is a coward. The crowd cheer for Bobby and the boy has difficulty talking. He also has tiny ears. I never noticed that before. Bobby says that there isn’t a damn thing wrong with him. Cut to a girl in the audience chanting, “Let him fight!”
Teddy tells Bobby that he wants Bobby to compete, but is thinking about Bobby’s health. Big boos from the crowd. Bobby goes to leave the ring, very upset about the entire thing. Finlay’s music hits and both he and Regal walk out and around Lashley. The entire thing is like a wet fart. Both Regal and Finlay shake hands with Teddy. The two men tell Teddy to raise Finlay’s hand in victory as Bobby has forfeit. Teddy then says that there will be a match for the US title and it will be between Regal and Finlay, right now.
JBL then says that the “elevated levels” remark is nonsense and that he, himself, has “a liver like Jake Roberts” and that he never had any problems. Absolute cunt.
WWE United States Championship match: Fit Finlay (c) def. William Regal via pin in 13:49.
I’m a huge fan of William Regal and I should be a huge fan of Finlay because we’re both Irish and he seems like an amazing guy, but I find it difficult to get behind his character. Nonetheless, I’m settling down to be entertained by these two young gentlemen (Finlay was about 47 at the time and Regal was 38, though the lifetime of drug abuse makes them look a similar age).
Regal rolls outside to see if The Little Bastard AKA Hornswoggle is under the ring. Finlay goes for a quick roll-up and Regal slaps him. JBL talks gibberish about the English and the Irish fighting each other, which is interesting because Finlay describes himself as an Irishman from Northern Ireland and straddles the two worlds of Irish and British politics. He doesn’t come across as a member of the IRA or even states that he has any Republican or Nationalist opinions. JBL, as usual, is a cunt.
The two men scrabble to the outside and walk about the place, hugging. The crowd are booing them because it appears boring. Michael states that Regal and Finlay have not fought in ten years and the last time they scrapped, Finlay suffered from a broken nose and cheekbone (or Finlay was responsible for Regal’s broken nose and cheekbone; Cole is not clear). Great tiltawhirl by Final and Regal tosses him outside followed by an uppercut by Regal. Hornswoggle appears and grabs Regal’s leg. A pantomime follows where Regal walks about with Hornswoggle chasing him with a shillelagh. Lots of kicks and punches in the ring.
Bunch of uppercuts for a while, which is the more exciting version of rest hold city. JBL starts giving off to Cole because he doesn’t know anything about Europe even though seconds ago, he was making fun of the Mexican announcers. What a c- you know that? I’m not even going to. If I have a buck for each time JBL is a cunt, I’ll be rich by the end of this. Hornswoggle appears again and bites Regal’s fingers. Finlay… pushes Regal’s hand into the ring ropes. Very weird. Some ground-based wrestling. JBL talks more nonsense about Irish history, saying that the six counties of Ireland took on the whole British Empire… which is… very wrong.
Finlay gets Regal into a rest hold and it lasts for some time. Both men are knocked down, butting heads before Regal walks all over Finlay, blocking the ref’s view as he keeps Finlay in a chokehold for ages. Very bad dropkick and lots of close counts. Regal hits a beautiful suplex followed by a dropped knee. The crowd chant, “Boooooring! Boooooring!” and Cole actually checks them on it! Motherfucker! Finlay beats Regal by the apron and the cover is removed from the side of the ring to expose the underside of the ring. Regal’s shoe has been removed, probably by Hornswoggle. Cole calls JBL a “goof”.
Regal gets the pin and almost gets the two-count. Regal goes for the shilleilagh and as the ref removes it from him, Hornswoggle appears, gives Final Regal’s boot and he cracks him with it to get the pin in 13:49.
Awful, just awful. These two men can have a great match without interference. Hornswoggle cheapened the whole deal.
I’m happy Finlay beat Regal but I’m unhappy that this match ever felt the need to take place.
Finlay’s belt gets stolen by Hornswoggle and he chases him about for a while before kicking him beneath the ring. Cole says, “This is absolutely ridiculous,” and it is. JBL says, “This is SmackDown!” and it is suddenly clear why WWE’s stock was falling at this point in time.
Back in the locker room, Rey Mysterio is having a wee chat to Chavo Guerrero Jr. Chavo tells Rey that he is an honorary Guerrero and that Eddie’s fans are proud of him. This is building up to a heel turn of some description. They share a hug. It’s very sweet.
Then Fat Matt Hardy rocks in, happy as fuck. Look at him smile. He’s set for a match with his lookalike, Gregory Helms, who comes in with his Cruiserweight belt. This is not a Cruiserweight Championship match, however. Cole tells us that Helms is the longest-running champ currently in the Fed, which goes to say how the titles were moved about like hotcakes at the time. The bell rings and Helms doesn’t remove his hat.
Gregory Helms def. Matt Hardy via pin in 11:43.
Why is the Hurricane still wearing his Ali G hat/do-rag? JBL gives off about Maggle telling him off for his syntax. He then rags on George W Bush. In the ring, Fat Matt and Helms lock up and push each other about. Gregory loses the hat and there’s a beautiful hip toss before some matwork. The ref is wearing SmackDown blue as Matt Hardy does the Hurricane’s pose, causing the audience to pop. The two men roll over the top rope. Lovely roll-up and Helms gives Hardy two neckbreakers.
Helms hits another neckbreaker, goes for the cover and only gets a two. Tazzmission city for a while. Matt gives Greg’s thigh a wee squeeze. Hardy drops Helms with another neckbreaker and more Tazzmission city. Maggle and JBL give off to each other. It really undermines the action in the ring when the commentators can’t even focus on the match. That and acknowledging negative chants from the crowd takes away from the action in the ring. Even the worst match needs to be sold.
Russian Leg Sweep followed by another close pin. JBL talks about Dusty Rhodes for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, I love Dusty, but he has nothing to do with this match. JBL then mentions enzymes again. Matt goes for the superplex but it is countered in a super neckbreaker from the rop rope. Jeepers, it’s been neckbreaker city tonight. Lesnar would be proud, if only he were capable of emotions. Pin attempt and Hardy had his leg on the rope. Another two pin attempts and Helms gets his anger up.
Wee spoon on the ground for a while and Helms knees Hardy in the face for a spell. JBL makes fun of internet fans as a guy in a referee outfit sells candyfloss in the background. Blow exchange in the middle of the ring before Hardy hits the Side Effect but gets only a two-count. Hardy hits a bulldog and goes for another pin but gets two. What can these two men do to each other?
Some reversals, Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, reversed again and Helms goes for the Shining Wizard but Hardy kicks out. Helms brings Hardy over to the turnbuckle and places him on it. Hardy fights back, hits a moonsault but only gets a two count. Hardy goes up to Bret’s rope and hits a double axe-handle nothing. Matt goes to the top rope again, Helms tosses him off and gets a roll-up for a weak win in 11:43.
Some great psychology here and fantastic spots that are ruined by the weak ending.
Bring back Jeff.
Another cut to Khali and Daivari walking through the corridor. Taker turns up and the two square off until ECW’s Big Show arrives to beat on Undertaker. Teddy Long stands by and Khali kicks the Undertaker in the head. JBL and Cole recount the Khali and Show on Undertaker fights that have been happening backstage and in the last few matches.
On the Card will return on August 6 with the third part of The Great American Bash 2006.