Previously on On the Card: Fuck Bradshaw.
Promo for the Undertaker vs. Goldust match later and Goldust himself is coming out to the ring! Great stuff. Cut to a music video promo for the Undertaker, not that one is needed because he’s the motherfucking Undertaker. Lots of flashes and slow motion of him in his western garb. Mankind appears and the video becomes less paranormal, more sinister. Then heavy metal guitar kicks in and Paul Bearer is spinning with the Undertaker’s urn all lit up like Old Gregg’s downstairs mixup. We see Taker doing some smithing by a furnace. Video becomes dark again and Goldust is there with Mankind but then it’s back to the heavy metal and the kickass chokeslams that Taker is known for.
Back in the ring, Marlena and Goldust are by the announce team. Goldust is looking wonderful. Goldie is amazing with his wig and feather boa. He’s spouting some nonsense like Brando in Apocalypse Now. Then he’s up and away. Why he did that by the announce team and not cut the promo in the ring is beyond me. Maybe they wanted Free-For-All, which is before the PPV to be free of actual plot.
Cut to promo about the main event match – Camp Cornette (Vader, Slammy Award Winning Owen Hart and British Bulldog) against The People’s Posse (Shawn Michaels, Sycho Sid and Ahmed Johnson).
Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sid wasn’t even supposed to be in the match. It was supposed to be Ultimate Warrior until he realised that touching men in a wrestling match is similar to being gay, or something just as insane. He left the Fed and would not return until three days before he died.
Shot of the end of King of the Ring where Camp Cornette attacked Shawn after the Michaels vs. Bulldog match. Ultimate Warrior actually appears before it cuts to Gorilla Monsoon, kayfabe WWF President, announcing the indefinite suspension of Warrior. He gives the reason as the legit reason Warrior and the Fed fell out – he no-showed a couple of shows. His reason was that he was pissed that McMahon was keeping money from him due for Warrior merchandise, but here he’s the bad guy, not McMahon. Even 20 years later, I’m a little dubious about this. But then again, the man had an ego so big he wouldn’t sell for anyone so it doesn’t surprise me. Shots of Warrior getting beaten by Camp Cornette until Corny himself drops a promo on Michaels. Shawn and Ahmed appear to reveal their partner – Sycho Sid! Brock Samson himself starts screaming like he saw a guy in a stormtrooper helmet fall out of a wall and Shawn giggles behind him like a schoolgirl. At Raw, we see Cornette throwing water in Shawn’s face. As Michaels chases the fat little turd, both guys are ambushed by Camp Cornette. A car bursts into the scene and Sid jumps out to help his buddies. The announcer mentions that Sid has been institutionalised and questions his ability to stay in the match.
José Lothario is in the ring with Jim Cornette. José walks out to Michael’s Sexy Boy music. Jumping Jim Ross is there in the middle of the ring to start this debate named Face-To-Face. The lights are being messed about with as Corny chews the scenery in the best way possible. He threatens José and claims Camp Cornette are going to kick The People’s Posse in the arse. He threatens to beat Joeé Lothario out if he touches him. José is not close enough to the mic or speaking slowly or loudly enough to be heard. He also calls the WWF Championship, “The World… Federation… Championship”. I understand English is not his first language but come on, bro. Corny takes offence to the broken English and the pair square off in the middle of the ring. Corny goes to hit Lothario with his tennis racket and there are punches thrown. Vader slithers in and walks menacingly towards Lothario before Michaels slides in, damn near slides the whole way out of the ring. Schmoz and everyone leaves.
Then we have everyone’s milquetoast motherfucker Special K himself Kevin Kelly, standing by our man Stone Cold. Kevin Kelly says that Stone Cold was “one count away” from being beaten by the Wildman Marc Mero, which was akin to saying that I am one election away from being president. Stone Cold threatens him by saying, “In one second, I’m-a knock the hell out of you, son!” K-K steps back and Stone Cold drops Austin 3:16. Close up of that half-baked tache/soul patch combo that he’s attempting to rock. Kevin Kelly cuts to the alleged boot to the face that Austin took that required over a dozen stitches to fix, a kick to the mouth during Wildman’s roll up. Austin threatens Mero and mentions Sable, which causes Kelly to quickly shoot back to the arena.
The announce team are quiet for a while and Jim Ross is having trouble with his mic.
Cut to the locker room and Camp Cornette is there. Jim is hidden behind Big Van Vader who barks at the camera. Owen and Bulldog feel each other up as Diana looks on, gormless and wondering what temperature cheese melts at. The whole thing is a clusterfuck. Cut to announce team as Bulldog starts talking. Back to the locker room. It’s just gibberish. Cornette is great but the other wrestlers are desperate to get their own words in. Vince is talking over them. Total shit show.
Good old monochrome promo for International Incident and so far there have been more promos than actual wrestling. But it’s okay! There’s the big red thundercloud and we’re going into the… après preshow promo package of showing things that happened, like, twenty minutes ago. Guff stuff. We see Cornette and Lothario… at about 12 fps by the looks of it. Cut to the title without any discussion. This whole thing looks like it’s been put together by a child. But wait! There’s a gunshot and kids crowd to the side of the ring! What could it be? Who could it be? Why, it’s Sunny and the Smoking Gunns! Jim Ross has his mic fixed and Bart Gunn lets Sunny into the ring. Cut to the Bodydonnas and Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip talk about the lack of Kloudi near them.
Straight-up Shoot Fact: Chris Candido and Sunny were an item for years. She cheated on him with everyone.
The Bodydonnas come out (the title says Body Donnas) and the match is set to begin…
The Bodydonnas def. The Smoking Gunns w/ Sunny via pinfall in 13:05
This is not a match for the Tag Team Championships so who gives a good God damn. Sunny jaws off to the announce team and the Bodydonnas double team frosted tips Aaron Carter lookalike Billy Gunn. Vince debates that because the belts are not up for grabs, the Bodydonnas have a psychological advantage which makes no sense. Surely that they would try harder if the belts were on the line?
Sunny batters on the ring, keeping clearly better time than that useless Sable. She’s a terrible metronome. Bodacious Bart gives a killer clothesline to Skip. Or is it Zip? The announce team will not shut up about Jake the Snake. He was due to wrassle Mankind but due to injury, he was replaced by Henry O. Godwinn. Jerry makes fun of Jake’s drinking, setting up the match at Summerslam. JR calls Sunny a jezebel, which is pretty much his go-to taunt for women over the next few years. Sunny “collapses” after getting the vapours. SkipZip picks her up and she gives him a slap, distracting him enough for the Smoking Gunns to double clothesline him. The ref lets all this happen, the tall glass of water. Near fall and the Bodydonnas are still in the match.
JR and King rag on each other for a while. Bodacious Bart throws SkipZip so hard into the turnbuckle, the man damn near dies. Those old nineties rings just sound like hell. SkipZip goes to the top rope. Bart catches him into a powerslam. Botched double team of some kind and Billy goes ballistic. The Gunns wail on SkipZip and he retaliates, getting a mean old whuppin’ for his trouble. Jewish referee Harvey Whippleman, a man who, at the age of 30 looks twice that, has no idea what’s going on. He keeps getting distracted and runs after the faces when the heels are up to no good! Fuck Wall Street man, the big crime is this inconsistent refereeing we’re seeing here.
We hear that Brian Pillman is manning the WWF Superstar line, which is amazing. He’s be talking about Charles Manson or something mental to some 8-year-old child who is still wondering where Ultimate Warrior is. Billy does a huge jump off the top rope and SkipZip catches him with an inverted atomic drop. Right on his old Gunnlets! Billy ragdolls about the ring, clutching his precious, precious manplums. Of course, their oil baron father will take him out of the will now. Without any ability to sire his own, he is worthless. The Gunn name is in the hands of Bodacious Bart, and we know that he has lain with cattle on occasion. His kin will be beasts, abominations unto the Lord Our God Jesus Who Is The Christ.
Sunny doesn’t seem happy one way or the other. Still, though, she’s keeping perfect time on the ring there, battering 4/4. Billy trips Zip, not Skip. Ref gives him lip. Skip takes a trip. Skip lands the pin and SkipZip pins Bart in 13:05.
Heap of shite match. It was a nothing match that did not advance the plot or the feud. All that happened was the heel champs were heels, the faces fought back, cheated and won. No one went over and it was just an excuse to show off Sunny (fair enough) and for the Tag champs to get a payday. At least put the belts on the line and make it interesting. Two out of three falls or something. Have SkipZip cheat and Sunny to get the belts taken off them somehow. Make the heels looks snivelling and by-the-book, not like the parodies they are.
What are the Hollys doing in red pants? And why is Road Dogg missing his dreads? Crazy stuff.
Sunny acts like the parody of Texas she is and takes her cowboy hat on, stomping about the ring like a toddler. Sunny screams like a child, as if they lost the belts. Sunny is lying down in the ring, dying for a shag, the rascal. The minute Chris Candido’s back is turned, she’s at it. The reply shows the jump from the turnbuckle to a missile dropkick was landed painfully. Some wrestlers are stupid.
Cut to Camp Cornette. Mr. Perfect is speaking to them all and another replay of the José Lothario/Jim Cornette slapping match during Free For All. Vader is destroying the locker room for some reason. Diana watches on, weird face on her. Owen is killing it with his heel business. the lot of them are slagging The People’s Posse whilst Mankind’s weird music plays in the background. Back in the day, he had tense music to start and different, softer music to finish.
Straight up Shoot Fact: The choice of different music for entrance and exit was based on a scene from Silence of the Lambs where Hannibal Lecter murders the two prison guards.
The strange thing about the entrance music is that, despite the fact that every wrestler has entrance music, none play about with it that much. New Jack in ECW used to have Ice Cube and Dr. Dre’s “Natural Born Killaz” play throughout his matches on a loop, like he wanted the match to be an action scene in a movie. That said, though, New Jack also stabbed other wrestlers and was generally a cunt so his innovations with theme music are not as impressive.
Mankind is running around the ring in the dark like a mentalist. There is a window gobo in the centre of the ring and he struts about it for a while. Ould Henry O. Godwinn turns up with Hillbilly Jim. The house prop in the background (of In Your House fame) is surrounded by mountees. For, you see, we are in Canada, which means that most of the crowd… are canuck. And, as we all know, that is the greatest betrayal of all. You know who else is canuck? Wolverine. And Deadpool.
Mankind looks on, staring at Henry O. Godwinn as he dances with Hillbilly Jim. Mankind has pulled his hair from his head and now sports bald patches here and there. Yeah, Mick. They’re the weird ones.
Mankind def. Henry O. Godwinn via KO in 6:54
Henry O. Godwinn shouts, “Hooo-eee!” to the crowd and Mankind goes mental, beating him about the head and trying to bite him. Irish Referee Tim White is on the case, though. JR explains that Mankind has applied the Mandible Claw four times on the Undertaker, which seems both excessive and uninteresting. Irish whip and Henry hits Mick with one hell of a powerslam. Mankind goes to leave, thinks better of it and returns to the ring. He boots Godwinn to the ground. King quips, out of the blue, “One good thing about Canada: they don’t have an Arkansas, the state that gave us the Godwinns and a president named Bubba.
Fuck the King for besmirching the good name of Clinton.
King then makes a reference to Jake the Snake again: “Unlike Bubba, Jake always inhaled.” Godwinn, annoyed by this, beats on Mankind for a while and the ring is being stunk up by both these men. Great bulldog by Mankind followed by an elbow. Mankind roars for a bit, pulls at his hair and starts hammering Godwinn in the corner. JR tells us that he believes, “Mankind is the most dangerous man in the World Wrestling Federation. Mankind removes the mat outside the ring and gives Godwinn a neckbreaker to the concrete before throwing him back in the ring. Godwinn punches the psycho from his knees and takes over. Mankind jumps to the turnbuckle and cracks his head. Great clothesline from Godwinn and Mankind is thrown onto the exposed concrete.
Godwinn starts “hoo-eee!”-ing and Mankind becomes furious, applying the Mandible Claw, resulting in the knockout in 6:54.
What can there be said about a match that lasts less than seven minutes, all of them uneventful? Sick bump to the concrete aside, the match was the drizzling shits.
I love Mankind. I wish he would do bumps to concrete from higher places.
Mankind rolls about the place as a guy in the crowd rocks a stormtrooper t-shirt, a clear reference to that one guy who fell through a wall. Mankind pure sprints down the aisle towards the mounties. They’re not impressed.
On the Card will return on August 4th with the second part of In Your House 9: International Incident 1996.