Previously on On the Card: We have yet to reach the lofty heights of the triple threat. Mayhaps the double main-event can get there…
It’s time for your first main event of the night! Promo to get us excited about the Cena match coming up next. Funny that RVD and Cena fought then but they split off not two weeks later to fight other people. It is not mentioned whether or not Cena even wanted a rematch. He just went and beat up Paul E. Dangerously and Edge and ECW brought Balls Mahoney for some reason. So Cena doesn’t hate RVD, he hates ECW and, by extension, Sabu. Wrestling.
ECW here is the underdog promotion with nothing to lose. Cena is, therefore, the hell. Amazing. This is Cena’s heel run. The lumberjacks of ECW get an intro from Lillian and they all stroll to the ring, circling it like dogs, all wearing ECW t-shirts. Sandman stares at the camera. Great blue eyes on him. Sabu is introduced and he comes to the ring with little fanfare, much like everyone else at this arena.
The Raw lumberjacks are introduced. They’re all wearing pants and no shirt except for Viscera, who wears his full suit because ain’t nobody want to see him shirtless. He’ll probably end up hurting someone again. They hang around for a while before Cena’s music hits and the man that heelery forgot comes down to the ring, big shiner on his eye. Rat faced knacker Justin Credible actually looks at Cena and gives him the “come get some” gesture. Fuck off, Justin, you piece of shit. The Raw and ECW guys are roaring at each other and Cena just walks between them. Sabu attacks Cena before he even enters the ring and the bell goes.
Extreme Lumberjack Match: John Cena def. Sabu via submission in 06:38.
The lumberjacks circle the ring as Cena is thrown out but he jumps back in the ring before they’re able to get much licks in. Great suplex from Cena and a two count. Sabu is sent out and Raw send him back in. Cena and Sabu have a great tempo in the ring. Cena is sent out and beat on by ECW. He is sent out again and Sandman whips him with the Singapore cane. Sabu has a chair set up, jumps off it to do a springboard moonsault followed by Camel Clutch to break backs and make humble.
Cena gets a shot in the nuts from Sabu and falls like a tree. Sabu attempts a springboard leg drop followed by an Arabian Facebuster (the chair-under-butt-leg-drop). It only gets a two count. Sabu has the chair and sets it up again to jump into the corner but Cena dodges it. The lumberjacks batter the mat in good time. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but a schmoz outside diverts his attention and as he FU’s someone, he gets two chair shots for his effort. A table has been set up and Cena is being held down but as Sabu goes to suicide dive, Cena hits him with the Singapore cane and throws a chair in his face. Cena hulks up for the FU and does it on the table but Sabu lands on the edge and it looks like it hurts like fuck. Cena hits him with the STFU and Sabu taps out in 6:38.
So good at the start and such a dodgy finish. I couldn’t find if the ending was forced because of the botched table spot with Sabu or not, but I’m willing to guess that that was the case.
A Sabu match without blood? No thank you.
The Raw lumberjacks flood the ring and a Comic Sans sign tells us that Cena likes Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Sabu genuinely looks like he cannot walk and I am not surprised. The man is mental. Cena gets applause from the Raw lumberjacks as he strolls backstage.
JR and King remind us that Cena won. Cut to backstage and Cena meets RVD. Oh yeah. RVD gives off to Cena for what happened when Cena came to ECW. RVD reminds Cena that he does not have the rematch and so calls for it on Raw. It seems like an afterthought. The camera makes Cena’s head look tiny. He’s like a Gears of War character. Cena looks lovingly at the spinner belt as he accepts the challenge.
We see a promo for McMahon’s war against Shawn Michaels and HHH’s turn against his boss. Absolutely great moment when he finally steps up against the Spirit Squad and then when Shawn reunites with Hunter to make DX. Followed by a number of childish pranks from DX onto McMahon.
DX’s music hits along with epilepsy-inducing cuts with the music video. I love the DX music. It’s absolutely great. The X-sign is confusing because it is the sign that the refs use when someone is actually injured in the ring. The amount of DX fans who have accidentally called the paramedics must be phenomenal. The crowd is lukewarm, probably frothing at the mouth from the damn music video.
Trips has the mic. Jerry tells us about women flashing DX. Hunter asks the crowd if they are ready and they actually pop! Maybe they are popping HHH’s big old roid belly. Trrrrrrrriple H fucks up his promo and Shawn Michaels finishes it.
Spirit Squad music hits with Nickyyyyyyy Nemeth. Their roman candles look guff because one of them won’t spin and just sits there, spurting sparks into the air before finally figuring out how to firework. One of the Spirit Squad has an air horn and he can go fuck himself. JR is frustrated, “God Almighty these guys are… loud.” He then calls them great athletes, which is an obvious lie.
Trips is chewing gum, the rascal. DX plays rock, paper, scissors and JR tries to get it over before the bell rings.
Handicap tag team match: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, Mikey) via pin in 17:45.
Well, here it is, ladies and gentlemen: your main event! A bunch of male cheerleaders versus two drug addicts. The Spirit Squad attempt a chant and it doesn’t sit well. Michaels starts off with some nice chain wrestling and follows it up by walking on Mitch (apparently). I can’t tell the difference between these guys but luckily their names are on their singlets.
The Spirit Squad are doing a great job of selling the chops from Michaels by reacting violently to each one. Michaels is beat on in the corner by the Squad and then Mitch is beat on in the corner by DX. The Spirit Squad rush in and DX clear house. Johnny is already bust open! It seems like a broken nose! When the hell did that happen? I was busy typing. I’m going to watch it back.
It seems when the boys are beating on Michaels in the corner, he elbows Johnny in the nose. He goes down and half-heartedly takes the bump to the outside. The Spirit Squad regroup and return to the ring. Michaels looks a bit annoyed that he has hurt Johnny, who takes out a headband, puts it on and shouts some crazy karate sounds. Michaels strolls back, tags in Trips who knocks Johnny down. He then reclines in the corner. Fair play to Johnny for staying in the match. Makes me wonder if he has bladed or not. Johnny gets thrown into the corner and Trips distracts the ref while Michaels goes to town on the broken nose boy’s balls. He waddles about the ring and Trips pants him.
Lots of comedy shots involving testicles. Real crude humour. It’s as if the boys in the back said, “Let’s bring back the Attitude Era… that was just dick and fart jokes with tits, right?” and this was the result. Double team outside and Mikey gets a great shot on his man plums. Trips asks him if he wants a time out and then hits him anyway. Nasty Trips, disrespecting the sanctity of time out. The Spirit Squad throw him back in and beat on him in their corner as Michaels stalks his side, unable to do anything. Trips hits one of the Spirit Squad with a great neckbreaker and Michaels and Mikey comes in. Michaels knocks Mikey down, hits the kip up, cleans house and drops the big elbow from the turnbuckle. He is “tuning up the band,” according to JR and as he batters his foot off the floor, Spirit Squad jump in and knock him down.
Our man Nicky Nemeth is in, beating on Michaels and being a real show off. The Spirit Squad can sell like no man’s business. All of them make Michaels look a million bucks. He gets thrown out and belted with a steel chair. Christ, it is loud. Mikey runs down to the ring, jumps off a trampoline by the apron and hits Michaels with a weak bulldog. Trips, upset by this, throws the trampoline away. Michaels still won’t stay down for the pin. Nicky is back in, beating on Michaels with reckless abandon, raking his face with his wrist straps. The ref is distracted and the Squad beat on Michaels. Another cover and another kick out.
The boys double team Shawn and once again he survives the onslaught. The crowd chant something so weak that no one but the announcers know what it is. Double clothesline and both Michaels and the Spirit Squad are down. More referee distraction and Nicky is back in. Jesus, they’re getting a fair amount of use out of Dolph there. He gets thrown out of the ring shortly, though and the crowd chant for HBK to make the tag. Another double team but Michaels counters and double DDTs two of the Spirit Squad.
Wait… their initials are SS. Hmm.
Trips is in and he clears house, battering all the SS down. He hits Kenny with a great spinebuster and repeats it with… Another Spirit Squad member. He goes for the Pedigree but it is broken up. Michaels goes over the top and Trips is alone in the ring. Michaels is being held by the Squad as one uses the trampoline for the senton but Michaels dodges is and four of the Squad hit the dirt. Kenny is in the ring and the Pedigree and Sweet Chin Music is hit concurrently. Double pin (Trips and Michaels) and they get the three for the win in 17:45.
This was our main event. Not great. Not bad. It was simply… a tag match.
I hate the Spirit Squad but by Christ I hope the Attitude Era comes around again.
DX celebrate mid ring and a Spirit Squad member gets Sweet Chin Music’d. Then another simultaneous Pedigree and Sweet Chin Music. JR asks, “Is the Attitude Era back?” and the boys whisper to each other in ring. Trips einie-meinie-minie-mos the Squad and chooses one to bully. Turns out it was Mitch. Trips then whips the keks down and Mitch’s nose is pushed deep into Hunter’s buttocks! By God! Lovely wee close-up of HHH’s bottom as well. Vince comes out and stands there, watching the boys celebrate. He’s smiling and congratulates them, saying he will see them tomorrow night. He does this without a mic. Then the feed cuts but not before JR thanks us for inviting the WWE into our homes. Great lad.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: After his less-than-stellar match two months ago, I would say that Carlito was fantastic this evening. Great lad.
Woman of the Matches: There was not a women’s match to be had on this card and other than Melina, Lita, Maria and Torrie, no women at all appeared! I find it hard to give it to any of these women and so will award it to none, which shows the dreadful state of the women’s division at this point in time.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Carlito!
Best Spot: Irish whip to catapult to superkick combo from Carlito, Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro.
Hatches: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Doink the Clown, Kamala, Imposter Kane and the Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky and Mikey) as competitors. Torrie Wilson backstage. Jonathan Coachman also appears but fuck the coach.
Matches: Johnny Nitro starts his first run as Intercontinental Champion, winning it from Shelton Benjamin. Rob Van Dam retains the WWE Title.
Closing Statements: The damn event was released on DVD a month later and remained on the Billboard DVD Sales Chart for three months. Although the event itself was a great success and helped the WWE earn a total of $21.6 million from PPV sales, it wasn’t a great match. The Intercontinental championship match was amazing, but the rest was pish and the fact that they relied on the handicap match and gave it too much time even though it was a comedy undercard bout just went to show how much sway certain members of the locker room had and how much it needed to change.
On the Card will return on July 23 with the SmackDown! PPV The Great American Bash 2006.