Previously on On the Card: Great Angle match. Shite Umaga match.
Todd Grisham gets a slagging from our boy Mick as he reads from Flair’s autobiography. He calls it a “novel” as “autobiographies contain facts” and is very bitter about the whole thing. This is a bit of a callback to Foley’s autobiographies where he mentions that Flair dislikes him because of Foley’s in ring abilities and the fact that he focussed on hardcore wrestling which Flair states is not “real” wrestling. This entire feud is part shoot part grumpy old men.
In Ric Flair’s book, the legend calls Mick a “glorified stuntman”. Mick claims he is going to outwrestle Ric Flair and walks off with a big, “Wooo!” JR introduces Lillian who says, “This is a two out of three falls match.” Well done, Lillian, you’re a great woman. Mick’s music hits and down he walks. Close up on a “Mick Foley is a glorified stuntman” sign. Mick rolls into the ring, has a wee walk around and the crowd gets ready for Ric’s entrance. He is introduced as, “Charlotte’s own Ric Flair!”
This is the second time I’ve seen Flair so far and I hope it’s the last. I can’t have him.
JR says that he saw Ric out last night at NINE OF THE CLOCK POST MERIDIEM! He then says that it was, “a little past [JR’s] bedtime.” Close up on the crowd and we see a young Charlotte Flair in attendance. She would have been just around twenty years young at this point and six years off her signing a developmental contract with WWE. Ric looks awful because he’s a bastard.
Ric Flair def. Mick Foley 2-0 via pin and DQ in 07:32.
Foley sucks chant rises as the bell rings. King reminds us that it would be great if Foley beat Flair. The pair take part in the most shameful attempt at chain wrestling I have ever seen. I know that Mick is used to throwing his body around with reckless abandon and that’s fine, but who looked at that and said, “Yep, that’s some good wrasslin’.” Certainly not Kurt Angle. The man must be rolling backstage.
Foley gets Flair in the corner and does the Flair strut. Double-arm DDT to Flair and Foley goes to take out Mr. Socko… only it has a blonde wig and a pink cape… It’s a Ric Flair Socko! Flair grabs Mick by the dick and Flair goes up top to hit Foley with the double axe handle smash (the most devastating move in wrestling). Flair tweaks his knee on the way down and Foley goes for it, really giving it loads. Foley goes for the figure four and Ric rolls him up for the pin and the first fall.
They scramble to the outside after a failed roll-up and Mick goes into the steel steps. Lillian looks mildly concerned. More Flair chops in the middle of the ring and Mick attempts to escape but Ric is after him. Some scrambling and they’re both thrown back into the ring. Mick goes underneath the ring as the crowd tell him he sucks. He gets a trashcan out and Flair grabs his legs, whipping him into a figure four leglock. Foley, wracked with pain, pulls on the ref and then uses the trashcan to smash Flair over the head. He is disqualified and Flair gets the second fall in 7:32.
How the mighty have fallen.
Best match ever, Mick. Congratulations, you’re the best.
Foley wastes no time in going under the ring again to bring out a barbed wire baseball bat. He runs it right into Ric’s face. The camera follows Foley and Flair takes the time to blade himself. Flair is bleeding like a stuck pig. The bell is rung and three refs are in the ring. Shots of women by the side of the ring looking… not shocked or horrified, just… curious. Unimpressed. Like this has besmirched the good name of professional wrestling. Flair is bleeding so badly. Dumb motherfucker.
Cut to backstage and our girl Maria mumbles her way through a promo with Carlito. Come on, Maria, learn to enunciate. Carlito is wearing the same old t-shirt last time. The one about spitting and swallowing. Maria blows his mind by asking him to explain a paradox. He appears vexed.
Torrie Wilson comes over and asks Maria to rub baby oil on her. Maria states she is interviewing Carlito, but he hurries her along to watch the show. Torrie asks Carlito to hold her puppies and as he reaches for her breasts, she hands him two tiny, tiny dogs. Then we actually see the baby oil application, which looks suspect at best. Maria isn’t really good at any of this, bless her. Carlito’s running commentary is actually very funny. “Work as a cohesive unit, ladies,” he encourages. His music hits and he must make the decision to stay or go. He sets the dogs down and leaves. JR quips, “coitus interruptus.”
Jerry complains over the lack of ladies touching each other. Lots of apples with attitude signs in the crowd. Carlito is looking good today. Johnny Nitro’s music hits and awwww fuck down he comes with fucking Melina. Christ Almighty, I thought they were on Smackdown? This is an absolute nightmare.
Straight-up shoot fact: She was actually transferred due to backstage heat, which is not surprising as the woman was nuclear. She had arguments with Lita to the point where she was forced to change in the corridor and was hauled in front of Wrestler’s Court at 3am, allegedly, due to her shitty behaviour. The entire locker room turned up and it is reputed that bets were placed on how long it would take her to cry. I know she’s a total bitch but come on, that’s a bit much.
Johnny Nitro AKA John Morrison AKA Johnny Mundo AKA guy-who-done-slagged-off-my-boy-Cody-Rhodes-recently stands in front of Melina to block her arse. If you could block her entire existence, Nitro, I would be far happier. The Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin comes down with far less of an entrance than the other two guys. No pop.
Intercontinental Championship match: Johnny Nitro w/ Melina def. Shelton Benjamin (c) and Carlito via pin in 12:01.
Bell rings and Nitro is chucked outside. Shelton goes for the roll-up on Carlito and all I can stare at is the blood on the mat. My God, boys, at least put a towel down. Carlito and Shelton have a nice little stroll about the place in headlocks and roll for a bit before Nitro pops in and is given a hell of a flip by the two hugging men. Nitro springboards off the top rope and Carlito is given a good old kick to the face. Nitro and Shelton are going at each other and Melina – my God, woman, stop your jibber-jabber – screams like a female tennis player. Carlito catapults Nitro to the outside and the two men get ready for Carlito’s suicide dive but Melina, probably not understanding how spots work, pushes Nitro away. Nitro and Shelton fight some more before Carlito springboard senton bombs from the top rope, nailing Shelton and Nitro. Carlito wobbles for a moment before rolling Nitro in and getting the two-count.
Big Flair chops from Carlito to Nitro and Johnny hits a tiltawhirl Russian leg sweep on Carlito. Melina screams and Carlito hits a few backflips and an amazing hurricanrana. His run off the ropes is stopped by Shelton who tosses him into the air so high that he escapes the pull of gravity itself and spins off into space. When he comes down, Benjamin hits him with a great suplex but only gets the two-count. Carlito and Benjamin are great in this match, a nice change from their last PPV together which was Backlash way back in April. Shelton also hits Nitro with a Snake Eyes and Melina cheats by popping Nitro’s leg on the rope. Carlito is on Shelton’s shoulders and gets a roll-up. Fucking fantastic spot with Shelton in the corner: Carlito Irish whips Nitro towards him and Johnny catapults Shelton towards Carlito but Benjamin lands on his feet and gets a superkick from Carlito. Spot of the night so far. JR reminds the ref that Carlito has the pin but he only gets a two count before Nitro breaks it.
Nitro goes to superplex Carlito but is knocked into a Tree of Woe. Shelton jumps up to the turnbuckle and as he sets Carlito up for the superplex, Nitro leans up and German suplexes Shelton Benjamin and Carlito off in some modified version of the Tower of Terror. Wow. What a fucking spot. The crowd explode. “Holy shit!” they cry. Nitro rolls up Carlito but gets only a two-count. Melina screeches. Carlito gets back in and cleans house, getting Benjamin into a roll-up but it doesn’t suit. Double springboard elbow from Carlito and he tries to pin first Nitro then Benjamin but no chance. Benjamin kicks Carlito right in the back of the head but gets only a two-count.
Benjamin is frustrated and rightly so. What will it take to put either of these two men away. Suplex into cutter into backcracker and Nitro pulls Carlito out to take advantage, the pin and the Intercontinental Championship in 12:01
What a terrific match. Psychologically speaking, it was guff. There was no story, it was just a spotfest, but sometimes even spotfests are brilliant and this was a brilliant spotfest.
Get Melina the fuck out of here.
JR is furious that Nitro (with bust lip) would steal Carlito’s win. Almost as if he had never seen this level of backstabbery in his life.
Cut to the Spirit Squad and front and centre is Dolph Ziggler, as Nicky.
Straight-up shoot fact: Dolph’s real name is Nick Nemeth and he is an actual honest-to-God wrestler. He holds the school record for most pins in St. Edward High School, Ohio with 82. He once held the record for most career wins in the wrestling team’s history at Kent State University at 121. As of 2010, he is still second all-time in career victories. He also won championships in three consecutive years and was three-time All-Mid-American Conference champion, won the 165lb tournament in 2000, 2002 and 2003. As of 2010, he is the last wrestler from Kent State to have won three amateur wrestling championships.
The Spirit Squad get ready to destroy DX. Vince comes in and berates them for embarrassing him on Monday Night Raw. He equates DX with bird flu. He psyches them up even though their match isn’t for a few hours yet. Vince then attempts to use the restroom, gets distracted and eventually walks back, picks up the pistol pump and pops into the loo with it. There is an explosion and he comes out, covered in a thin spray of green paint. He says, “That damn DX!” and looks about for a hat to stomp on.
Cut to JR and King. JR rubs his lip and says, “Well…” King states what we saw, because we are idiots. JR then introduces the next match between Edge and RVD. This is a championship match for the title that Cena had not two weeks before and it is being shown on the midcard. The match after the WWE Championship match is… Kane vs. Kane. Then Cena/Sabu. Then a match with undercard jobbers as the main event. What.
On the Card will return on July 9th with the third part of Vengeance 2006.