Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 was heating up with a decent Benoit match and a regrettable Women’s Wrestling match. Can we start some momentum heading into our two main events?
Promo of the 1996 King of the Ring with Stone Cold cutting that amazing promo that elevated him to superstardom. Another reminder of the Lashley/T match later on in the night.
Gregory Helms’ music plays and down comes the artist formerly known as the Hurricane. He is the WWE Cruiserweight Champion and looks a million Dollars. Super Crazy comes down on his lawnmower. Wow. Not offensive to Latinos at all. Christ Almighty, WWE.
Luis Gonzalez is in the audience. Very exciting.
Tazz says, “look at the hair on Helms,” before Maggle goes, “Helms? You mean Crazy?” Tazz mutters something in response and the match begins.
Cruiserweight Championship match: Gregory Helms (c) def. Super Crazy via pinfall in 09:55.
Quick rollup at the start by Super Crazy followed by two more before Helms chucks him out of the ring. Crazy pulls himself back in and another rollup. Helms gets knocked over the top rope and goes for the suicide dive but the ref stops him. Crazy is not going to be deterred, however, and jumps over the ref! “ECW!” chant rises.
Super Crazy is so over here, even though he hasn’t done anything new or different that other competitors in other matches have done. Helms is pretty dazed and Super Crazy takes him to the corner for the ten-punch. He gets six. Helms hits Crazy with a great running neckbreaker followed by a standing neckbreaker followed by a reverse choke hold. Maggle and Tazz talk shite in the background. Crazy fights back and is knocked to the floor by Helms. Helms drags Crazy to the apron and smacks him a bunch. Another pin attempt.
Maggle says that Helms is glad he isn’t the Hurricane, which is nonsense because the Hurricane was brilliant. “Super Crazy!” chant rises and we have rest hold city from both men. This match is not exciting. Lots of shots of the crowd chanting. No one cares. Helms has a side headlock on Super Crazy and minutes have gone past with very little action. Crazy is more focussed on the elastic in his pants. Finally, Crazy is up, jumping off the ropes and back to another choke hold. Helms goes to Bret’s rope, hits a double-foot nothing and Crazy is back up and fighting back.
Neither competitor can get much momentum until Crazy hits a spinning backbreaker, round of punches and standing moonsault to a two-count. He’s on the turnbuckle for a missile dropkick that gets a two-count. He goes up again, hits a moonsault but Helms rolls out of the way. He goes for the Shining Wizard, Crazy ducks it and another two-count. Maggle talks about how you can only get cruiserweights on Smackdown. Just as well if the matches are this shite.
Helms gets a rollup and the ref does a horrible job of the count, hitting his feet off Super Crazy’s feet. Some fightback and another jumping neckbreaker from Helms. Super Crazy slaps Helms, chucks him into the turnbuckle and goes for the hurricanarana. Helms counters it, goes for the pin and uses the ropes for leverage for the win in 09:55.
Not great. I like Shane Helms. I like the Hurricane. I hate Gregory Helms. I’m not a huge fan of Super Crazy either. Seems like this match was just like the rest holds: time wasting.
I miss the Hurricane.
Helms celebrates and we cut backstage to where Melina is still on television! Who is caring about this woman other than Cameron? Melina and Nitro go to Teddy Long and complain. Teddy says he doesn’t care and Melina slaps him. Teddy fires her for it. He then fires Nitro. We don’t care.
Tazz and Maggle remind us of the King of the Ring 2000 tournament where it was Angle vs. Rikishi. Angle belly-to-belly suplexed Kish off the top rope to become King of the Ring. Very exciting. We see Anthony Robles, a one-legged boy who can wrestle. Good show.
Mark Henry’s ass-kicking music hits and the World’s Wettest Man comes out. We see him frog splash Angle through a couple of tables. Henry goes straight to the announcer’s table to get it ready for a whuppin’. He gets the mic and makes a proclamation that Kurt Angle is a damn fool who doesn’t realise that Mark Henry hurts lads, including Batista. He then pauses before calling the audience “people”, the implication being that they are not people.
Angle’s music hits and the crowd pops. Kurt Angle is great. His music is fantastic. Angle has those mental black gum shields on and runs into the ring to attack Henry.
Mark Henry def. Kurt Angle via countout in 09:11.
Mark Henry is not a great wrestler. Kurt Angle is both one of the best legit and professional wrestlers of all time. This match will balance out at being okay. Kurt has cracked ribs and Henry wastes no time in going for them. Angle does a stupid senton from Bret’s rope, landing on his head. C’mon, Kurt. You have neck problems, bro.
Angle flips over Henry and Henry decides to sit on Angle. Maggle tells us that the two men were in the Olympics together and Angle won gold where Henry won nothing. Angle goes to German suplex Henry onto the announcer’s table but Henry fights back. Submission city back in the ring as Angle beats on Mark’s leg. Henry knocks Angle down and has a wee stroll about the ring, walking off his sore knee.
Angle is on the floor and Henry hits him with a double axe handle smash to the back of his neck followed by a boot to the ribs. He then stands on Kurt’s chest because he’s an awful bastard. Tazz tells us that if your ribs are sore, your body hurts. Thanks for coming, Tazz. Little Naitch is having a go at Henry and we have camel clutch city. Mark Henry, of course, has never fucked a man nor made him humble, so it’s only a matter of time before Kurt is on his feet, fighting back. Henry lifts Angle for the World’s Strongest Slam that Angle counters into a DDT.
The two men trade blows in the middle of the ring and Angle ducks a punch to deliver a German suplex to Henry. Angle removes his singlet straps and hits Henry with an Olympic Slam. Two count. A two count for an Olympic Slam. What the fuck, boys? Henry gets him with a clothesline and gets a two-count of his own. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam and Angle gets the ankle for the Ankle Lock. Henry kicks Angle out and throws him onto the announcer’s table. He goes to frog splash Angle and Kurt rolls out of the way. Little Naitch is counting Angle out and reaches ten. Mark Henry wins by countout in 09:11.
Angle is so good that he makes Mark Henry look good! Waste of a match. Bad feud.
I’ll have another cup of tea, I guess.
It’s a sad state of affairs when Kurt Angle gets anything less than an A rating from me. Henry stares Angle down for a moment and goes to get some heat by laying Angle on the table and beating on him. Angle fights back and goes for the steel chair. One shot to the knee, four to the body and Angle hits the Ankle Lock on Henry, who taps instantly, but Angle does not let go. There are six men dragging Angle from Henry. The crowd are baying for tables and Angle breaks free to Olympic Slam Henry onto the announcer’s table, but it does not break. Angle then cracks Henry with a brutal chair shot to the head. The World’s Strongest Man falls forward, finally bursting the announcer’s table to pieces. Bad show on Angle’s part. Head shots are bad stuff, Angle.
Booker T and his mad wife Sharmell are backstage. Sharmell says that Booker T will be a better King (of the Ring) than King Arthur, King Tut, King James, Don King, Martin Luther King and King Kong. It’s an odd promo and seems a bit orgasmic. Promo showing some older King of the Ring winners and the eight lads who went in for it: Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Matt Hardy, Booker T, Fit Finlay, Chris Benoit, Mark Henry and Bobby Lashley. Angle had to forfeit after his frog splash from Mark Henry. Some Killswitch Engage plays to show Lashley antagonising Booker T.
This is the first KotR tournament since 2002, so these two men have a lot to fight for. Booker T comes out, seemingly hypnotised by the robe, sceptre, crown and throne. Sharmell is doing her queen wave. She’s a great woman. And she’s from Gary, Indiana, which I did not realise was a real place until just there now. Apparently the Jackson 5 were born there. Tazz is not choosing sides here, saying that King Booker sounds as good as King Lashley.
Straight-up shoot fact: Sharmell was Miss Black America in 1991, which, although wonderful, suffers from the double-whammy of being a beauty pageant and being for specifically black women, as if they are not American enough to be in the normal Miss America pageant. Not that either of them should exist because fuck Donald Trump.
Lashley comes down to his generic music. He looks the business. He’s like Ahmed Johnson, only you can understand what he’s saying. Lashley jumps into the ring and gets big pops from the crowd. Fair play to him. Sharmell isn’t happy about this. Bobby and Booker are face-to-face and Bobby tosses Booker across the ring when the match starts.
King of the Ring 2006 final: Booker T w/Sharmell def. Bobby Lashley via pinfall in 09:15.
Both Lashley and T are huge, by the way. Lashley is more defined than T, but they’re both massive lads and very intimidating in the ring. Lashley uses brute force to get T into the corner and holds him there for some time. T returns the favour and Lashely fights back with an explosive suplex and a two-count followed by another two-count followed by Lashley working Booker’s arm.
T is up and gets Lashley ready for a German suplex but Bobby counters and half-German’s T on his face. Lashley and T fight for a while until Bobby actually lifts Booker into the air and places him on the turnbuckle. T dodges the spear and Bobby falls outside, where he gets a smack by the steel ring steps. Booker stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry. T works Bobby’s arm for a while off the ropes and goes for the pin but gets only a two-count. Some smart fucker in the front row is wearing a championship belt that is shining right into the hard cam. Cut to Tazz and Maggle sans table.
T gets a great spinny clothesline from Bobby Lashley and the two men are down. When they come up, Bobby is back in control. He is fast as fuck when he needs to be. He hits T with an inverted atomic drop and Sharmell is on the apron, dristracting the ref enough for Booker to hit Lashley with his heel. He goes for the Book End, misses it and as Lashley goes to the ropes, Sharmell grabs him. Booker T hits him with the superkick, followed by the Book End. Bobby catches a lariat, turns it into a running powerslam and gets only two counts.
This match has a good amount of near falls. Good stuff. Bobby gets Booker with the spear and Sharmell is in the ring, distracting the ref. In comes Finlay, cracking Bobby with the shillelagh and gives Booker enough time to get the pin in 09:15.
Great match, screwy ending, no one goes over.
I have never been more embarrassed to be Irish. Fuck you, Fit Finlay.
Sharmell is celebrating and the crowd is booing and with good reason. Booker deserved to win, but he deserved to win clean. Sharmell crowns her king and Lashley spears him through the throne. Sharmell still places the crown on Booker, as if it has healing powers. Great stuff, actually. When Booker gets up, he groans, “My robe… my robe, baby,” and has it wrapped around him like a child. I love this stuff.
On the Card will return on June 4th with the third and final part of Judgment Day 2006.