Previously on On The Card: We had a disappointing start to Backlash 2006 with Carlito getting the win over Chris Masters, Umaga squashing Ric Flair and the Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James match being called short due to injury. Let’s hope the second half fares better…
Lillian introduces the Winner-Takes-All match for Shelton Benjamin’s Intercontinental Champiosnhip belt and Rob Van Dam’s Money in the Bank contract. Shelton comes out, wearing sunglasses indoors like a damn fool. Jerry makes some quip about being pushed around and JR says, “How could he? That’s a hernia waiting to happen.” Brilliant stuff from the iconic pair. RVD’s music hits and we get the biggest pop of the night for Mr. Money in the Bank.
Money in the Bank used to be a WrestleMania ladder match until it was given its own PPV in 2010. RVD won this Money in the Bank championship at WrestleMania 22. He has spraypainted it with a dragon on the side because RVD likes weed, presumably.
Shelton makes the ref take off his glasses for him, the douche. JR and Jerry talk about Dr. Hiney, the evil proctologist and Nurse Slobberknocker. For those of you who don’t remember that – keep it that way. JR replies with, “Was that good television or what?” which probably got him in heat with Vince.
Winner-Takes-All match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship and Money in the Bank Contract: Rob Van Dam (MITB) def. Shelton Benjamin (c) via pinfall in 18:42
ECW chant from the crowd as the bell rings.
Shelton Benjamin cracks RVD in the head and is smug about it. RVD is the clear face here. Arm twist is reversed by Shelton as we flips off the ring ropes. The two men go for a show of strength but give up half way through. The men run the ropes and jump about for a while. Van Dam does some body scissors to pin Benjamin. RVD’s eye is bust from the slap earlier. A lot of slow movement and then a flurry of activity. Benjamin rolls to the outside and a POOP DOGG sign is visible. Brilliant. Snoop Dogg, but, oh you get it.
The men are in the ring together again and Jerry says that the match is still in the “feeling out” stage. JR mentions that RVD is his own man and an individual, unlike, presumably, everyone in Kentucky. Did you hear that, Kentucky? JR just burned you bad. Another jumping spin kick and RVD has Shelton on his back. He rolls out and RVD suicide dives to the outside. Another ECW chant. Unnecessary. RVD is on the apron and Shelton sunset flips over the rope to powerbomb Van Dam to the outside. Pin and two-count.
Shelton beats on RVD’s back with a couple of manoeuvres. Cameramen on the other side of the ring as well. Gosh I miss those lads. Weren’t they great? Really made it seem like a sporting event. JR thanks all the countries in the world. JR mentions that Benjamin does not seem to be in “mistake mode”, which is a mode I wish I could turn off on myself. It would make washing up a lot easier. Benjamin does a mid-rope bronco buster on RVD and another chant rises as the pair enter chinlock city. JR thanks us for inviting him into his life, presumably as he sells us some of his BBQ sauce and tells us his problems. More chinlock city follows.
The RVD has a camel clutch applied to him and JR says that the Iron Sheik is nowhere in sight. Benjamin still focussing on RVD’s lower back and the match has slowed to a crawl, nay, a stop. Van Dam fights back for a while and escapes a T-Bone suplex, moving into Rolling Thunder which Benny-Boy jumps up to catch him and reverses into a Samoan drop. Two-count and RVD finds himself on the turnbuckle getting slaps from Benjamin. Attempt at a superplex and RVD throws him off. Banjamin executes a wonderful vertical leap from the canvas to the top rope to finish his superplex. Still only good for a two-count. Chinlock city again and Benjamin reminds Rob that he is tired. Irish whip but RVD holds onto the ropes as Shelton dropkicks air and lands on his arse. Lots of clotheslines and RVD hulks up, springboarding to knock Benjamin down and finally executes Rolling Thunder but only gets a two-count.
Van Dam bodyslams his opponent, does a few flips and finally goes for the five-star frog slash but Benjamin rolls out of the way, DDT’s Van Dam and another two-count because of a foot on the rope. Two more pin attempts, two more two-counts. Benjamin is frustrated and walks to get the Money in the Bank briefcase. Van Dam fights back and gets hit in the face for this. Shelton does for the lariat off the top turnbuckle and Van Dam reverses it into a pin. Another two-count and Van Damn gives Shelton the hurricanrana. Benjamin has the briefcase again and RVD takes it off him, tosses it to him and kicks him in the face. Five Star Frog Splash and Van Dam wins the Intercontinental Championship and retains his Money in the Bank contract in 18:42.
Good match with a lot of pauses. Both men were gassed and without that break in the action, it would have been a great match with some nice spots.
Man, I hope Benjamin and Van Dam fight forever.
JR tells us that Benjamin ate Van Dam’s briefcase (with some delicious JR BBQ sauce). “My God, athleticism.” Rob Van Dam has a wee walk around the ring for a while. Replays of the finish of the match. JR is still wearing the full suit and some woman in the back has a baby. Another Tony Hawk intro to show Big Shirtless Kane and Horseshoe Moustache Big Show. The promo starts with a replay of recent match where the Spirit Squad defeated Kane and Big Show to become Tag Team Champs. Kane has a flashback and when the two men have a rematch, Kane goes ballistic and they lose the damn match. Kane is looking great at this point in time, he has such a great swagger, looks terrifying. I am a huge Kane mark. I have a soft spot for him unmatched by any wrestler of past or present. Even Mankind, a character and performer who I have the utmost respect for and would quickly name as my favourite wrestler if ever asked, does not hold a candle to Kane in my eyes. I cannot describe or explain my love for him. It might be his power, the image of him with the mask on, his backstory or the fact that Glenn Jacobs just comes across as a genuine, lovely gentleman. I do not know. All I know is that fuck Big Show right now because he is fighting Kane.
To Big Show’s credit, he comes across as the face here. Kane is enraged by the mere mention of May 19th, even turning against Lillian Garcia and Big Show himself. Slow piano music plays as Kane looks more like his brother, the Undertaker, as he grips Big Show’s throat and goes to chokeslam his old tag team partner. Creepy wavy filter of Kane going ballistic and dragging on Big Show’s eye. Backstage, Big Show looks really infuriated about this. It is revealed that the May 19th insanity is because Kane’s new movie, See No Evil is coming about around then. Big Show reveals that he was also in a movie (The Waterboy) and he didn’t act the same way. He seems very upset about this. Big Show states that even if Kane’s goldfish died or puppy ran away, his actions would be unacceptable.
By the ring, Lillian Garcia is announcing from the outside, afraid to get closer in case the Big Red Machine goes ballistic again. Pyro hits and the worst of Kane’s entrance theme hits, the one where the guitar only has a high E string and vocals. A fan in the crowd has a May 19th sign to annoy our man Kane. Big Show’s theme hits and out he comes, storming towards the ring. Big Show looks huge, probably a bit overweight as well, not looking nearly as sweet beside our boy Kane.
Big Show and Kane via no contest in 09:30
Kane hits Show and gets a gorilla press for his trouble. Big slap in the corner from those frying pan-sized hands of the beast. Kane goes for Big Show’s eye and gets told off by the ref. Big Show is taking control and follows the monster outside to chuck him in again. Some of the crowd chant May 19th at Kane and Jerry, the king of being a cunt, claims that it is unsportsmanlike to attack eyes despite the fact he eye-dragged for his entire career. Kane hits Show’s head off the ring post and the two giants hang around for a while. JR says Big Show must be “at least 520 pounds… lose a biscuit or two from that.” At the moment, Show is 450, which means he was 70 pounds heavier than he is now. By Christ.
Kane beats on Show for a while, runs the ropes and hits the big man with a jumping clothesline. JR and King debate the significance of May 19th without giving any definitive answer. JR calls Kane a “perplexing individual” and that his life is “somewhat unique”, which is an understatement. The crowd are dead during the match, to the point where the kids in the background are playing with the Titantron, putting the belt on their heads. Big Show picks up Kane and gives him a great overhead fallaway slam. He calls for the chokeclam and the crowd pop. The chokeslam is countered… or the arm is weakened. No replay to explain. Big leg drop from Show and a two-count.
JR says, “this has not been a pretty match. This has not been a catch-as-catch-can classic.” Another understatement from the man himself. A great high powerslam from Big Show and he looks at the crook of his finger in an attempt to get Kane back for scratching his eye. The lights go red and Kane’s own voice comes through the speakers to remind Kane that “May 19th… it’s happening again, Kane… you can’t stop it.” Big Show is worried as his former friend is beating his head. The crowd is silent. They don’t give a good God damn about this. Big Show leaves and gets a chair from ringside, probably to beat his friends over the head to fix him and by Christ, he does. What a smack. Big Show looks upset as the lights come back on. He leaves and gets big boos. Kane sits up, big old gap-toothed grin on him. The match isn’t called off, doesn’t officially end, no winner is given, it just… segues to Vinny Mac in his Jesus room, walking around.
My favourite character and my favourite giant-based wrestler make a shitty match together. But not the worst match on the card, sadly.
I liked it better when he had that mask on.
Vince is walking through his room, psyching himself up like a testosterone-fuelled orange. A cough and Candice appears, wearing a dress that leaves little to the imagination. She complains about the smell and Vince claims it is a new fish-based cleaning product. She says that she has a chest cold and that Vince, being God, can lay his healing hands upon her.
Straight-up shoot fact: Candice was on the cover and nude pictorial in the April 2006 issue of Playboy, which would have come out just before this PPV. It would lead to a “Playboy Pillow Fight” at WrestleMania 22 between her and Torrie Wilson. It was the second to last match on the card, after a Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Kurt Angle match and before a John Cena, Triple H match. Yeah. Think about that.
Vince debates this ethical quandary for a second and then, in a gentlemanly manner, places his hands on Candice’s head. She reminds him it is a chest cold and asks him to lower his hands. He places his hands on her shoulders and she asks for lower. He grips her waist, making gravelly nonsense noises and she asks for higher. She starts having convulsions and the pair of them roar in holy orgasmic bliss. Shane comes in to remind Vince that they have a match coming up. Candice flails away on the couch and rolls to the floor, barely missing the glass coffee table.
JR and Jerry do not seem to care for what they saw. Jerry claims Vince “has the power” like some sort of bastard He-Man and JR just asks, “what the hell was that?”
Next week we have the two main events: McMahons vs Shawn and God; Cena vs. HHH vs. Edge. Do not miss it.
On the Card will return on May 14th with the third and final part of Backlash 2006.