Jooooooohn Cena!

I fucking love John Cena. There, I said it.

I think John Cena is great. When I started watching wrestling again, I thought he was the drizzling shits. He has, what, like, five moves? And he has that super-cute goody-two-shoes attitude and he is followed by, “Let’s Go, Cena/Cena Sucks!”  chants everywhere he goes. The man is the worst.

No. NO. He is the best and I will give you many reasons.

1: John Cena has loyalty to the Fed.

There is nothing wrong with Cena’s love for the Fed as it has done a lot for him. In an interview with Howard Stern, Cena says that if it were not for Vince, he would still be mowing lawns in West Newbury, Massachusetts. If I were given all the riches in the world, allowed to carry a company on my shoulders and given fame, respect and adoration, I would be a company man too. This loyalty shows that he is not going to throw his toys out of the pram like Stone Cold or CM Punk did in the past. This loyalty means that when Cena is advertised for a match, he will be there unless he has an injury. Bear in mind that other company men are Undertaker, HHH and The Rock, all of whom have been huge draws for the Fed in the past.

2: He may not have the moves, but he does have the voice

John Cena can jump on that mic and just straight-up murder someone verbally. I rarely see him screw up a promo and he can be very, very funny at times too.

3: Safety is his prime concern

I’ve seen John Cena get his own nose smashed in my Seth Rollin’s knee, but I have rarely seen the boy hurt anyone.

4: That body!

Say what you want about Cena, he looks the part.

5: Make a Wish.

Alright, it’s worth stating that I am a sucker for this sort of thing. John Cena has made over 500 Make-A-Wish wishes. Justin Beiber, fair fucks to the cunt, has done over 250. When John Cena gets on the mic and talks about kids, I go weepy. When he hands children his wristbands, hats, whatever, I fucking love it. Say what you want, but the Fed is a PG product for kids that adults tend to like. It is no longer for men in my age range (let’s say… over 20). When John Cena makes a kid’s night, I don’t care how much everyone else hates him, Cena is my hero.

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